A Love Letter To Tatarstan

Well my mittens, in the time since my last post, (3 hours or so) I have received two messages from Yuliya. I'm thinking that reprinting every word would be boring, so I shall compile some of the greatest hits into a semi-frequent Yuliya blog. Unless you really want to read every retarded word. Then just say so.

In the meantime, I have fashioned a reply. Toodles!

From: Geoffrey Chocolate
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 2006 16:42:12 -0400
To: Yuliya
Subject: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

My lovely Yuliya,

Good heavens, you are a beautiful woman!

I had always imagined you would be missing a limb. Or an eye. Or perhaps you would spend your days atop some sort of pack animal like a yak. Isn't that silly?

At any rate, it is wonderful to hear about your job, the Tatarstani children, and their enchanting solar laughter. I do not have any children, at least I don't any more.

You see, I was once married to a woman named Sheena Easton. She and I had a wonderful life together and shared two children, Bobby and Whitney. But then I found out the terrible truth. While I was working at my father's investment office, Sheena was using Bobby and Whitney to smuggle drugs across the border from Canada. She would force them to swallow balloons full of Heroin, and then poop them out once they reached America.

I can stand many things, Yuliya. But interfering with my children's digestive health is not one of them. So I kicked that bitch to the curb.

So, what's new with you?

Yours,

Geoffrey

P.S.: I love poetry more than anything. Do you think you could write me a poem? It would make me so happy.

A Picture!

In all my kitty excitement, I forgot to post the picture Yuliya sent me. I do hope you enjoy her sultry coat grab, her "I know how to party" thumb ring, and her carefully measured come hither look.

My Russian Mail Order Bride Replies!

Hello, my mittens. I shan't write much, as I am currently concocting my reply to the letter you are about to read. At any rate, I received this in my inbox yesterday. I think you'll enjoy its flowing, heart-rending prose, including my personal favorite passage: "I work in children's improving camp near to our city. I very much like to look at their smiles and to listen to their solar laughter!"

From: Yuliya [EMAIL OMITTED]
Date: Jul 11, 2006 6:01 AM
To: Geoffrey Chocolate [EMAIL OMITTED]
Subject: Hi

hello my new friend!!! I am very glad to that you have agreed to begin acquaintance to me!If it is fair, I thought, that you will not answer me! I never got acquainted through the Internet and on this to me is not trusted, that thus I can find to myself the new friend. But my girlfriend of me has convinced me that it even is very interesting.


For the beginning my name Yuliya my full name Tihonova Yuliya. I have been given birth on August, 13 1982. I was is given birth in Kazan city and where did not leave! Studied at municipal school during 10 years. My mum worked as the seller in the state shop, the daddy drove the lorry. he worked on construction. We lived well. In 17 years I have acted in architecture - building university where has received formation the designer.

In my city at me not so it is a lot of friends. Three girlfriends all this, that are at me now! At me a lot of familiar, but familiar remain familiar. I have senior sister. her of 35 years. she already has child! he such lovely! him 12 years. At us very amicable family. Excuse for that that I do not write in detail about the family. I have on it reasons! If we shall not cease to communicate I to you I shall write it in the following letters.

Now I work in the building company. Pay not so much, but for a life suffices... Even to descend from the girlfriend at cinema or on dances suffices. We very much like to descend where be in cafe, to buy coffee and to talk. I have no habit to smoke, I drink only wine only on holidays in small quantities! In new year and per day a birth we buy cognac. From that he road we drink him only during the special moments of our life!

Favourite color red, yellow, pink. I love Russian kitchen (still to me like a land). I very much love children! And practically each holiday I work in children's improving camp near to our city. I very much like to look at their smiles and to listen to their solar laughter!

I orthodox the Christian. You believe in the god? Our family always was the believer! Each target and orthodox holiday I go to church, 8 years I on a regular basis go to church. But about it I shall write to you in the following letters!

What to you still can be interesting??? My growth 171, weight 52, eyes brown colors, Hair brightly brown colors. I shall scan the photos and I shall send them to you. Tell please about itself! As whom you work, than you like to be engaged at leisure, What your favourite color where you live also all that you will consider necessary!

If to you that that interestingly that ask any questions. I shall be glad to you to answer. I hope you to me still you will write! I shall wait for your prompt reply!

Your new friend from Russia,

Yuliya

Where could this possibly lead? There's only one way to find out. Stay tuned!

Behold! My Russian Mail Order Bride

"Oh my god! Where have you been, Geoffrey. We thought you were dead!"

Yes, yes, yes. Now be quiet and listen. As you all know, nothing fills my litterbox of hatred quite like dirty, lying harlots from the Republic of Tatarstan. I'm sure you can relate.

In fact, just the other day, I received an email from one in my Kitty-Inbox. It read thusly:

From: Yuliya [EMAIL OMITTED]
Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2006 18:49:34 +0200
To: Geoffrey Chocolate [EMAIL OMITTED]
Subject: Hello From Yuliya!!!

Hello my new friend! I get acquainted through the Internet for the
first time. So I do not know as to begin my letter to you. I shall
tell directly about myself. My name is Yuliya. I live in the city of
Kazan. I was born on August, 13 1982.

I very lovely, sociable and good-natured person. I am very romantic.
I have finished the Kazan state university. I work in branch of the
building company. I show people of an apartment and a house that
they could live. To have it is a lot of to speak with people. To like me it.
For the years could not find real love. And I had to address for
the help in the Internet. I have been never married.

I want to create real family.

I very much love children and I want them to have. If you are
interested in correspondence with me and at you the same
interests that write to me: sudarushka@eastlinecorp.org.

I shall wait your messages.

Bye!

Well, clearly this is a load of total bullshit. Everyone knows that the real estate market in Kazan is far softer than Yuliya asserts. Busy or not, I'm sure "To have it is a lot of to speak with people" is pretty goddamn far from the truth.

So meow, the sizable wheels in my kitty brain started turning. What caused this Tatarstan Tart to email all willy-nilly? What does she want, anyway? So I decided to find out.

Clearly, I couldn't write back as the super-intelligent cat behind Chocolate Mittens. So I created a new persona. Shocking, I know. As far as Yuliya knows, I am Geoffrey Chocolate. A fabulously wealthy son of a Pork Belly Futures Tycoon. Here was my reply:

From: Geoffrey Chocolate [EMAIL OMITTED]
Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2006 20:49:34 +0200
To: Yuliya [EMAIL OMITTED]
Subject: Re: Hello From Yuliya!!!

Dearest Yuliya,

My name is Geoffrey Chocolate. It is a pleasure to meet you.

I must admit, I never thought that I would reply to an email like this, but your story touched me. You see, I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. I've tried to date women from my own country, but there's always been something missing.

Perhaps I should explain. My father was a wealthy investor in the 1940s, and made millions investing in Pork Belly Futures. When he passed away, he left a substantial estate to me, his only son. Sadly, the money has proven to be a curse.

You see, when you have financial success, it's all anyone sees. They don't see the real you. Just money. Money. Money. I need a woman that will hold me as I weep. A woman who doesn't love me for my success, but for the man that I really am. You sound like you could be that woman.

First, I would like to get to know you a little better. Can you tell me a story about your homeland? I am very interested.

I have a good feeling about this. Please write back soon, Yuliya.

Yours,

Geoffrey Chocolate

Now, my mittens, we wait. Will she write back? Will the lure of a totally loaded, lonely man awake her curiosity? We shall see....