Nemesis Finalist #3: The State Of Delaware

First, let me take a moment to welcome myself back to Chocolate Mittens.

"Welcome back, Geoffrey."
"Thank you, Geoffrey."
"I've missed you, old friend."
"And I you."
"Indeed."
"Shall we finally learn more about the Little Belt Incident?"
"Not today, Geoffrey. But may I say, your fur has a sheen and body unmatched in the animal kingdom."
"You are far too kind, sir."
"It's far too easy to compliment you, Geoffrey."
"Indeed. I couldn't agree more."
"What ever shall we talk about today?"
"The topic that's on the tip of everyone's tongue, Geoffrey."
"Of course you must be referring to Delaware."
"You are such a clever kitty, Geoffrey."
"And you, Geoffrey."

Yes, our next candidate is the State Of Delaware. An odorless, tasteless and essentially undetectable substance mixed into America’s Drink.



“But Geoffrey”, you say. “Isn’t focusing ire upon Delaware like meowing atop the grave of Ethan Snugglepants? An initially invigorating, but ultimately unsatisfying endeavor?” I am here to tell you that you are wrong, as usual.

You see Delaware is a place founded and maintained by cowards. And thus, it must be stopped before the Canadians sense weakness and invade. In short:


The Official Seal Of Delaware Should Be The Wedgie

In 1631, the Dutch settled in Delaware, establishing a shiny new trading post. Within a year every settler was dead, killed in a dispute with the natives. The argument went something like this:

“We call it corn!”
“It’s called maize!”
“Corn!”
“Maize!”
“Corn!”
“Maize!”
“Want a tulip?”
“KILL THEM!!!!!”

After that, no European went back for seven years, presumably because no one wanted to get killed over friggin’ Delaware.

Then, a bunch of Swedish folks decided to give it a go. I imagine they were probably bored or something. Anyway, they set up a fort in 1638, and became the soon-to-be state’s newest residents.

A decade went by, and the settlers soon realized the unique danger of living in Delaware. They found themselves growing complacent. Wishy-washy. And kinda sorta non-committal. In short, they became Delawarians.

So when the Dutch came back in 1651, it was no surprise that the Swedes just GAVE back Delaware without a fight.

Now the Dutch are there again. Round two in Delaware. They’re going to beat Delaware at its own game, and defend their new prize with their lives, right? Hardly. For nine years, the Dutch watched their determination and integrity slowly seep away into the soil. After a while, it was like they were waiting to get their asses handed to them.

Oh did they. In 1664 the British came, bitchslapped the Dutch, and sent them crying home to the Netherlands likity-split. You know the drill by now. The British settle. Get all wimpy. The colonists come in. Slap them around. Call them names. And take over Delaware for America. The rest is history.

Yes, Delaware residents are a bunch of frightened babies. Then, and now. Want more proof? Look at the way they act after becoming a state:



The Story Of How Delaware Lets Credit Card Companies Do Anything They Want, In The Hope That The Companies Will Be Friends With Them

I’ll make this short, because I find the discussion of finance to be coarse, distasteful, and aggressively uninteresting.

In the early eighties, Delaware enacted wide sweeping laws that must have seemed like wispy dream to evil credit card companies. It seems Delaware really wants these companies to like them. And they’d do anything to turn their dreams into reality. Including making life miserable for millions of people with credit cards.

You see, the laws give banks that incorporate in Delaware crazy powers unavailable in other states. Here are but a few of the charming provisions:

• The ability to charge interest rates that are not subject to any legal ceiling
• The power to raise the interest rates RETROACTIVELY
• The power to levy unlimited fees for credit card usage
• The power to foreclose on homes for payment when customers can’t deal with all the bullshit that the previous three bullets create

Best of all, the law was not drafted by anyone in the Delaware State legislature, but by two lawyers from — you guessed it — Chase Manhattan Bank and J.P. Morgan & Company, without any written analysis by any Delaware official!

“Yeah guys, anything you say! Wanna go to the movies? No? OK, wanna come over to my house and beat me up? No? How about I treat you to Ice Cream? Please?”

So next time your credit card company forcefully grabs you in the nether-regions and twists, think of Delaware, America’s desperate middle school kid.

But that’s not the best part. Behold, Delaware’s pinnacle of lameness:



This One Time, Their State Government Bent To The Will Of Five Year Olds.

Children are feeble minded. They teeter around unfashionable haircuts their mommy gave them, slavishly living for nothing more than the pursuit of candy. In short, they are worthless and should be locked away until such time as they can be of use to our great society.

Every sane person knows this. But evidently sanity, like courage, is in short supply in Delaware.

You see, in 2002 a bunch of first graders from Mount Pleasant Elementary School managed to strong-arm the State Government into giving Delaware an official Nickname.

It seems these tots began their apple-juice-fueled insurrection in the classroom of Mrs. Anabelle O’Malley. The kids saw a nation filled with Granite, Empire, and Garden States, but their home state had wandered around dazed and nicknameless for TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN years.

It’s was as if no one cared enough about Delaware to put in the effort.

All hopped up on Graham Crackers and fresh from their mid-morning nap, the students demanded a Nickname. Double quick.

Here is a list of their suggestions:

The Yummy Yummy Boogers Yummy State
The Will You Marry Me? Check Yes Or No State
The I Ated Seven Lincoln Logs State
The I Saw Mrs. O’Malley’s Underpants During Naptime State
The My Doggy Didn’t Look Both Ways So Now He’s In Heaven State
The Hey! Michael Winterbottom Cut Me! State

Backed into a corner by a bunch of goddamn children, the State Legislature had no choice. They had to give these terrifying tots whatever they wanted, or risk getting beat up next to the slide during recess.

So they compromised, like the cowardly Delawarians that they were.

They declared that the state would forever be know by it’s new official Nickname

“The We Are Such Bitches That We Got Kicked In The Shins By A Bunch Of First Graders Who Probably Still Believe In Unicorns State”

Or “The First State” for short.

So there you go. Delaware. A bunch of cowards who deserve every wet willie they get. But do they have what it takes to be my arch nemesis? That’s up to you.