Nemesis Finalist #1: Lorenzo Lamas

And so it begins. Our first finalist. A star of screens big and small. And a total douchebag. Of course, I could only be talking about Lorenzo Lamas.


Simply put, Lorenzo Lamas cannot be trusted. And I can prove it.

MARRIAGE 1

It's 1983, and 25-year-old Lorenzo is married to his first love, Victoria Hilbert. He's starring in the popular television show "Falcon Crest" as the handsome Lance Cumson. He has it all. Including a character name so porno-riffic, it's very mention is like a sexual homing beacon. This, my kittens, would be his downfall. Facing a bevvy of ladies drawn to his new-found fame, Lorenzo can't resist. In no time, Hilbert is gone.

MARRIAGE 2

After playing the field, Lorenzo shacks up with a beautiful woman named Michelle Smith. Not that he plans on being faithful. While married, he sleeps with his costar Daphne Ashbrook and knocks her up. Faced with a child out of wedlock, Lorenzo cuts off the relationship, and totally disavows the illegitimate child.

Meanwhile, his wife Michelle gives birth to two sons. Lorenzo responds by kicking her to the curb, too. Classy!

MARRIAGE 3

Meow....why would a such a classy guy suddenly dump the mother of his (legitimate) children? Well, kittens, Lorenzo had fallen for seventeen year old Kathleen Kinmount, an aspiring actress whom he had met during a set visit. They get married. And Lorenzo proceeds to cheat. A lot.

His new bride is pissed, and they get divorced, but not before Lorenzo sweet talks her into helping him out, one last time. You know, for old time's sake. He wants her to star in a new show he's trying to get off the ground. She's struggling as an actress, and this could be her big shot. So she signs a contract.

MARRIAGE 4

The show, called "Renegade" does well, but Lorenzo has a problem. It seems he can't score hot babes with his ex hanging around. So, mid-season and mid-contract, he threatens to walk off the set unless the producers write Kathleen off the show. Goodbye wife number 3!

She gets the boot, and thank god, because Lorenzo thinks Shauna Sand, Playboy playmate of the month, is really hot. And like, now he can hit on her without his ex-wife cramping his style.

It works, and they get married. Shauna gives birth to 3 daughters, bringing Lance Cumson's tally to 6 kids (bastard children included, naturally). Anyway, this marriage is totally going to work, right?

MARRIAGE 5

Evidently, being married to a Playboy playmate is not enough for Lorenzo. The only thing that can slake his thirst for women is... another Playboy playmate! He tells Shauna "honey it's been fun, having three daughters and all, but it's time for you to get out."

And why not? He's got his eye on Playmate Barbara Moore. Soon enough, the Lamas magic is in full effect, and they get engaged.

But guess what? The night of the wedding, Lorenzo calls it all off. It seems he caught his wife-to-be with a male stripper at her Bachelorette Party! And as everyone knows, wandering eyes have no place in the home of Lorenzo Lamas! How dare she!

Yes, Lorenzo Lamas is a real shittylitter. But does he have what it takes to be my Arch Nemesis this year? Only you can decide.