So, what possible reason is there to hate Thomas Kinkade? He paints such delightful cottages and lighthouses! He loves Jesus! Well, I’ll give you a reason. In fact, I shall give you eight.
1.
He's a shitty painter.Though he claims to be “the world’s most collected living artist”, and a master of techniques from Plein Air to Impressionism to Romantic Realism, his paintings are filled with examples of retarded perspective, unnatural lighting effects, and a reliance on saccharine, faux-religious subject matter that so disgusted the late Ethan Snugglepants, he climbed into the mouth of a Crocodile and was eaten. Yes, that’s right. It’s Thomas Kinkade’s fault.
2.He's a drunken hypocrite who does not believe in magic.From the start, Thomas built his career on a wholesome image, steeped in a rock-solid faith, and a deep commitment to moral life. In fact, he's so pious, all of his children have the middle name "Christian". Here in reality-land, he's a boorish galoot.
Thomas has a long history of publicly heckling other artists and performers. In sworn testimony and interviews, witnesses recount one evening in which a visibly drunken Kinkade heckled illusionists Siegfried & Roy in Las Vegas, then cursed a former employee's wife who came to his aid when he fell off his barstool.
3.His business dealings are the perfect illustration of
man’s inhumanity to man.Thomas “shares the light” in two ways: through his own online store and through franchised galleries. So let’s say you love his work and you want to sell it. First, you must pass a rigorous financial and moral approval process. Then, you are forced to fill your store with mandatory inventory, selected by Thomas. Here’s the rub, my kittens: the inventory often includes art that he can’t sell otherwise. So if he lays a painterly turd, it’s your problem, not his.
Even if you also stock the popular works, you’re forced to sell them at a steep markup from his outlet. If you match his store's price, he takes you to court. This way, Thomas makes a ton of money whether people like his shitty art or not. It’s douchebaggery like this that has caused his company, Media Arts Group, Inc. to be sued over and over again.
Just this year, an arbitration board awarded Karen Hazlewood and Jeffrey Spinello $860,000. Why? Because Thomas' company "[failed] to disclose material information" that would have discouraged them from investing in the gallery. For one franchisee, it was too late. In an L.A. Times article, he claims that Kinkade and his associates drove him to financial ruin, while funneling millions of dollars to their own pockets. Mighty Christian of him, no?
Official accusations include “being pressured to open additional galleries that were financially unviable”, “being forced to take on expensive, unsalable inventory”, and “being undercut by discount outlets whose prices they were not allowed to match.”
No wonder the Career Opportunities section of his website meow says “We are currently seeking a Staff Attorney for our active law department.”
4.He shortens his name to Thom.Honestly, if you're the kind of person who reads Chocolate Mittens, do you really need me to say any more?
5.He does charity work, if only to feed
the insatiable hunger of his giant, bloated ego.His words, not mine:
“Kinkade's involvement in charitable organizations, along with his appearances on the award winning news broadcast 60 Minutes, as well as Good Morning America, is testimony to the fact that his artwork is touching the hearts of millions worldwide.”
That's right, thanks to Thomas, poor unfortunates everywhere can be touched in a non-sexual way by the painter of light... for a mere $500 per print!
Want more proof? Check this picture out:
That's Kinkade at a Salvation Army Charity event. Yes, when hungry kids come calling, searching desperately for love, shelter, and... oh I dunno... food, Kinkade gives them autographed hats.
6.His hobbies include "ritual territory marking."I can think of no better way to explain this than the testimony of Terry Sheppard, a former vice president for Kinkade's company. Evidently, Thomas and a group of synchophants were outside a hotel in Anaheim in the late 1990s, when they came across a statue of Winnie the Pooh. Thomas then dropped his pants, and urinated on the statue, quipping “This one’s for you Walt.”
This was not the first nor the last time he had observed this behavior from his boss. Presumably, the Painter Of Light can see no merit in other people's work, aside from being a convenient place to pee out all the booze he's supposedly too pious to drink.
7.He’s an uninvited boobie grabber.Ask Thomas, and he’ll say that he married the love of his life, Nanette, or that he can best be described as a doting father. But when one female fan met him at a Kinkade signing party in South Bend, Indiana, she described him another way.
Namely, as the shittylitter that suddenly decided to cup her breasts when she made it to the front of the line. I say!
8.
He’s a horrible dresser.So dull, so drab! Why not spruce it up with a subtle floral print? Or a splash of color? Doh de doh de doh. I wear khaki. Doh de doh de doh. For heaven’s sake, you’re the painter of light! Dress like it.
So, there you have it. Thomas Kinkade. Shitty painter. Non-believer in magic. Public urinator. Bad husband. Raging hypocrite. Pompous ass!
Will he triumph? Stay tuned….
