Lamas Update!

BREAKING NEWS:
LORENZO LAMAS IS THE MASTERMIND
BEHIND AN EVIL PYRAMID SCHEME

While it is true that I am a very clever kitty, even I couldn't make this up. Whilst researching my Lamas expose, I came across a startling fact: Lorenzo is using his fame to bilk his biggest fans out of their life savings. No shit.

A quick visit to lorenzo-lamas.com tells the story. Amongst publicity stills and links to upcoming appearances, there's a personal message from Lorenzo:

"It has become my goal in life – my personal mission – to use my resources to help as many people as possible achieve their dreams. Whether your dreams are as ambitious as retiring early and traveling the world, or as simple and noble as spending more time with your family, I want to help."

Boy, that sounds nice, Lorenzo! How will you do that?

Recently, I learned of an amazing new product that has helped me tremendously. The product is a delicious and energizing nutrient drink called Pollen Burst™.

But here’s the best part. Because Pollen Burst™ is so new; my friends at ProJoba International need your help introducing this exciting new drink to U.S. and Canadian consumers. We’re talking about a multi-billion dollar industry, and the owners of ProJoba International want to share a substantial portion of this market with you!

You can become an independent distributor of ProJoba International and share Pollen Burst™ (and other great products) with your friends for FREE! The only requirement is that you purchase one box of Pollen Burst™ each month on an automatic monthly reorder basis.

Pollen Burst™ is the medium by which I can help you achieve your dreams.

I'm sold! I've applied on your website, just like you asked! Now what?

When you have completed the application process, I will personally call to welcome you to the business and answer any questions you may have.

If you have any questions about the ProJoba business opportunity, please e-mail me at lorenzo@lorenzo-lamas.com, and I, or one of my business associates, will get back to you.

Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to helping you achieve your dreams and goals in life!

We’re going to have a lot of fun!

I wish I was making this up, my little Mittens. But I'm not.
You can see this Shittylitter give this pitch with your own eyes. Right here.

Nemesis Finalist #1: Lorenzo Lamas

And so it begins. Our first finalist. A star of screens big and small. And a total douchebag. Of course, I could only be talking about Lorenzo Lamas.


Simply put, Lorenzo Lamas cannot be trusted. And I can prove it.

MARRIAGE 1

It's 1983, and 25-year-old Lorenzo is married to his first love, Victoria Hilbert. He's starring in the popular television show "Falcon Crest" as the handsome Lance Cumson. He has it all. Including a character name so porno-riffic, it's very mention is like a sexual homing beacon. This, my kittens, would be his downfall. Facing a bevvy of ladies drawn to his new-found fame, Lorenzo can't resist. In no time, Hilbert is gone.

MARRIAGE 2

After playing the field, Lorenzo shacks up with a beautiful woman named Michelle Smith. Not that he plans on being faithful. While married, he sleeps with his costar Daphne Ashbrook and knocks her up. Faced with a child out of wedlock, Lorenzo cuts off the relationship, and totally disavows the illegitimate child.

Meanwhile, his wife Michelle gives birth to two sons. Lorenzo responds by kicking her to the curb, too. Classy!

MARRIAGE 3

Meow....why would a such a classy guy suddenly dump the mother of his (legitimate) children? Well, kittens, Lorenzo had fallen for seventeen year old Kathleen Kinmount, an aspiring actress whom he had met during a set visit. They get married. And Lorenzo proceeds to cheat. A lot.

His new bride is pissed, and they get divorced, but not before Lorenzo sweet talks her into helping him out, one last time. You know, for old time's sake. He wants her to star in a new show he's trying to get off the ground. She's struggling as an actress, and this could be her big shot. So she signs a contract.

MARRIAGE 4

The show, called "Renegade" does well, but Lorenzo has a problem. It seems he can't score hot babes with his ex hanging around. So, mid-season and mid-contract, he threatens to walk off the set unless the producers write Kathleen off the show. Goodbye wife number 3!

She gets the boot, and thank god, because Lorenzo thinks Shauna Sand, Playboy playmate of the month, is really hot. And like, now he can hit on her without his ex-wife cramping his style.

It works, and they get married. Shauna gives birth to 3 daughters, bringing Lance Cumson's tally to 6 kids (bastard children included, naturally). Anyway, this marriage is totally going to work, right?

MARRIAGE 5

Evidently, being married to a Playboy playmate is not enough for Lorenzo. The only thing that can slake his thirst for women is... another Playboy playmate! He tells Shauna "honey it's been fun, having three daughters and all, but it's time for you to get out."

And why not? He's got his eye on Playmate Barbara Moore. Soon enough, the Lamas magic is in full effect, and they get engaged.

But guess what? The night of the wedding, Lorenzo calls it all off. It seems he caught his wife-to-be with a male stripper at her Bachelorette Party! And as everyone knows, wandering eyes have no place in the home of Lorenzo Lamas! How dare she!

Yes, Lorenzo Lamas is a real shittylitter. But does he have what it takes to be my Arch Nemesis this year? Only you can decide.

Take Heed, Unsuspecting People Of The World!

By last Wednesday it had become abundantly clear that I was a genius. Strike that, dear readers. The genius.

Oh, how I rolled and purred. How I unsheathed my claws before my scratching post in triumph. Yes, there were casualties. But lil' Ethan Snugglepants was eaten by a crocodile for the good of Chocolate Mittens. And who among us wouldn't do the same? Simply put, my random thoughts about life are too important to be ignored.

But all along, something gnawed at my kitty conscience. Something was missing, and I couldn't put my paw on it. Then it came to me: I need an arch nemesis.

Sherlock Holmes had Professor Moriarty. Superman had Lex Luthor. And Arthur Bingham had Commodore John Rodgers. Fear not, I will teach you all about the Little Belt Affair of May 16th, 1811 in another, less momentous post.

Therefore, it is with great pleasure that I commence the next great event in the greatest blog ever written:

THE 1st ANNUAL
CHOCOLATE MITTENS
ARCH-NEMESIS SELECTION SPECIAL
-------------------
CELEBRATING THE DESIGNATION OF THIS YEAR'S OFFICIAL
"ENEMY OF ALL THINGS GOOD AND RIGHT IN THE WORLD"
hosted by
GEOFFREY CHOCOLATE





SCHEDULE OF EVENTS
------

1. MEET THE FINALISTS!
2. REVIEW OF VOTING PROCEDURE
3. AFFIRMATION OF VALIDITY

SELF-CLEANING BREAK

4. ARBITRARY WINNOWING OF FINALISTS

FANCY FEAST

5. PRESENTATION OF MY NEW ARCH-NEMESIS
6. BLIND HATRED AND OH-SO-DEVIOUS PLOTTING COMMENCE

----------------

When will all this happen, you ask? All good things, my little kittens. All good things.

Lil' Ethan Snugglepants Did Not Die In Vain

BREAKING NEWS:
CREATOR OF CHOCOLATE MITTENS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER
THAT SOMEONE IS READING CHOCOLATE MITTENS

Dear readers, I have exciting news. Despite a complete cultural morass in the States, taste and distinction live in New South Wales, Australia.

That's right, a kind pink-haired woman named Kate commented on the original Snugglepants post at 11:40am EST. Wait! You say. Doesn't that mean lil' Ethan should be somewhere warm and drooling, and not half digested in the belly of a Crocodile?

Well, technically yes.

But he's dead now, and really, there's no reason to cry about it. The crocodile was hungry, and now I have an audience. Lesson learned.

So Kate from New South Wales, congratulations! You are now, and forever will be my first fan.

Cheers,
Geoffrey

Ethan Snugglepants 2006-2006

BREAKING NEWS: TODDLER COMMUNITY PROBABLY ROCKED
BY COMPLETELY AVOIDABLE DEATH

BREAKING NEWS:
SNUGGLEPANTS/CHOCOLATE TRANSCRIPT LEAKED
TO WORLD PRESS BY ME

Geoffrey Chocolate (choking back tears): Yes, yes. Eat your Cheerios and banana sticks, meow.

Ethan Snugglepants: Gurple gurple.

GC: Meow I would have commented, Ethan. But it wasn't up to me, meow was it?

ES: Aeeeya!

GC: Meow Ethan, you can tell a Crocodile from an Alligator by its teeth. You can't see an Alligator's teeth when its mouth is closed. In contrast, a Crocodile's lower teeth are always visible. See them?

ES: Goopa!

GC: Dear Heavens! Mind where you crawl!

ES: Mama!

GC: Your first word. Ahh, delicious irony.

BREAKING NEWS:
FAT BABIES SPIT OUT CHEERIOS IN DISGUST,
REALIZE THEIR MISTAKE,
PICK CHEERIOS BACK UP,
AND EAT THEM AGAIN SUCCESSFULLY.

Tick Tock

Give Me Comments Or I Will Give You Death

This weekend I was at my scratch post, pondering the inherent beauty of the universe.

I thought "isn't it beautiful that we are all one? That each of us is a unique snowflake that, together, creates the winter wonderland of existence?" Greatly moved by this thought, I pussyfooted over to the computer to tell all of you about it.

Then, in an instant, I was spayed by the harsh blade of reality: You are all a bunch of shittylitters.

In the time this blog has been up, I have not received one comment. Not one. You could make the arguement that I won't get comments until I tell people about Chocolate Mittens. That you can go to Google, search for "Chocolate Mittens" and still not be sent here. But that's beside the point.

Therefore, I offer this ultimatum.

I GEOFFREY CHOCOLATE, HEARBY DECREE:

1. THAT THE PUBLIC AT-LARGE has shown a total lack of regard for my kitty genius.

2. THAT I HAVE GIVEN MY HEART and kitty soul to this blog for what seems like a while, and received nothing but disdain in return.

3. THAT I MUST TAKE DRASTIC KITTY ACTION in order to reverse this turn of events.

4. THAT THIS DRASTIC KITTY ACTION is entirely justified.

THEREFORE:

1. I MUST RECEIVE COMMENT on one or more postings contained within this blog, no later than 12:00pm EST on March 22nd.

2. OR I WILL KILL lil' Ethan Snugglepants, pictured below:




Dear readers, the kitty gauntlet has been thrown. Unless you want that to be the last cookie he eats, you better get interested fast.

Toodles!

I am a willing whore for Josten's

Is there such thing as the perfect gift? In a word, yes.

Imagine a trinket that's ideal for special friends and lovable elderly racists alike. An perfect piece of sparkly magic. A gift you can look in the eye and say, "I loathe you. But goddamit, I respect you."

Such a talisman of power exists, and it can be yours for only... well... I don't know how much it costs, but I'm sure it's worth it.

When Josten's introduced the "Cirriculum Series" of their popular class rings in 1973, no less an authority than Mark Twain wrote:

"It was a bright noontime, and the raft drifted laz'ly down the river. Huck looked across the muddy expanse of the ol' Miss, and sighted [the Josten's rings] betwixt the makeshift slave cabins and a b'shaded grove of poplar trees. Jim turned, tenderly placed his Ebony hand on Huck's thigh. 'Missa Huck, those'm wrangs be oh so bright!' "

Whilst the literary world took notice, the educational world changed. New majors and degrees were offered. And Josten's never missed a step. Today, their tireless dedication has culminated in a masterwork. A shining beacon atop the tacky hill of personalized man-jewelry. The "Taxation Ring."



Oh, I could wax poetic for hours. Instead I implore you to recognize Josten's for their unending dedication to their craft, and bring this work of art home.

Yes Geoffrey, I'm Ready To Buy A Piece Of History!

Orienteering 201

Anyone who would read Chocolate Mittens would not need the introductory course. Read below, whilst I take a quick catnap.

You can construct improvised compasses using a piece of ferrous metal that can be needle shaped or a flat double-edged razor blade and a piece of nonmetallic string or long hair from which to suspend it. You can magnetize or polarize the metal by slowly stroking it in one direction on a piece of silk or carefully through your hair using deliberate strokes. You can also polarize metal by stroking it repeatedly at one end with a magnet. Always rub in one direction only. If you have a battery and some electric wire, you can polarize the metal electrically. The wire should be insulated. If not insulated, wrap the metal object in a single, thin strip of paper to prevent contact. The battery must be a minimum of 2 volts. Form a coil with the electric wire and touch its ends to the battery's terminals. Repeatedly insert one end of the metal object in and out of the coil. The needle will become an electromagnet. When suspended from a piece of nonmetallic string, or floated on a small piece of wood in water, it will align itself with a north-south line.

Errata update

Recently, I was told I had an excellent sense of direction. I couldn't agree more. That way is west. That way is north. And this way is South. You see? flawless on all counts. Perhaps I will teach an orienteering class on Chocolate Mittens.

Hello and welcome to Chocolate Mittens. My name is Geoffrey Chocolate.

Take a moment to look around you. To smell the air. To disloge the errant kitty litter that has somehow affixed itself to your carefully groomed fur. Yes, breathe in this moment, for it is a moment you will never forget.

It is the moment you first met me, Geoffrey Chocolate.